CONFRONTING A RELATIONSHIP ISSUE

It can be difficult for some of us to gather the courage to confront a relationship issue, so it is important for these individuals to remember that friendships are relationships of choice, unlike family relationships that are relationships by blood or law.

People need friends to thrive. Friendships provide a sense of connectedness. They help you to look after yourself in ways you might never have before. They help you to see your good and bad qualities and boost your self-esteem. Friends help lessen stress and hardship through laughter and fun times. They can help you get ahead. Friends stand by you in times of despair or grief and celebrate with you in times of achievement. Friendships are enriching and worth the time and trouble. Communication is the secret to a good friendship and the key to effective problem-solving.

When you decide that it is time to address the friendship, some basic rules of communication should be in place:

• Let your friend know that you want to have a discussion about the relationship. No one likes having this kind of conversation ‘sprung on them,’ so give your friend some advance notice.

• Choose a time and place that is fine with both of you and be sure to choose as neutral a place as you can.

• Always use ‘I’ statements. It’s important that you focus on how you are feeling or what you are thinking in response to your friend’s behaviour.

• Listen to what your friend has to say once you’ve opened up your own worries. He or she may not have realised the effect he or she was having on the relationship.

• For a relationship to thrive, it takes two to make it work. Be willing to ‘give a little’ in order to allow your friend to ‘get a little’. Effective communication involves two parts: presenting information and active listening. Without both, resolving conflicts and maintaining your friendships is not possible.

• If your friend is not buying into your perspective, you may want to take a step back and see if your own assessment is as objective as it should be. If you reach a stalemate, you will need to decide if the friendship’s value is high enough to accept the relationship’s limitations.

• Remember, too, that there are always going to be multiple realities at play. What you see and believe is your reality, but the same is true for your friend.

You can change no one but yourself. Not everyone wants to be what others want them to be, and you have to decide when it’s time to draw the line and walk away.

Adapted from the Value Options and Psychology Today websites