WHY WE LIE

As humans, it seems we are natural and compulsive liars. Most people tell some kind of lies every day. Of course, some are more serious than others, but in many examples, it is not seen as being very bad.

Avoiding punishment

Lying often starts with wrong-doing. For whatever reason, we do something that others don’t like. When they are in a position of greater power, they might punish us. As a result, we deny the crime, pointing the finger at others, denying the action or justifying the act with some fabricated excuse.

Avoiding embarrassment

When others might not directly punish us, embarrassment is a powerful form of punishment, where we imagine what others are thinking and accept that they are silently disapproving. The loss of esteem and social position that causes embarrassment is a powerful force on us, enough to make us lie to reduce the impact on our social position.

Helping others

A more socially acceptable reason for lying is to help others, particularly your friends and family. Sometimes, however, we use this as an excuse, telling ourselves we are lying for others when we really are gaining more benefit for ourselves, such as avoiding embarrassment.

White lies

Sometimes we avoid telling things to other people more for their benefit than ours. For example, saying you are feeling fine when you know it would upset a friend if you said you have a serious illness. White lies are also often used in face-saving.

Face-saving

‘Face’ is a term used for the public respect given to a person. Therefore, ‘saving face’ is a term for helping them to continue the esteem of others and to avoid embarrassment. Different cultures have very specific rules about when face-saving is needed and how it should be done.

One way we help others to save face is more about not telling the truth rather than overtly lying. If we meet a person with dirty clothes, for example, most would avoid pointing out this problem.

So what?

Understand the reasons why people lie and use this in detecting deception. If you are trying to get to the truth with someone who may be lying, you can help them justify their actions by saying how reasonable it is to avoid embarrassment, and so on. You can also help reduce the significance of the act, helping them see it as a ‘little deceit’ that is not worth defending.

If you are a parent, help your children adopt the value that lying is bad rather than punishing them for lies. Likewise, if you are a manager, praise your people for telling the truth and they will lie and cover up less.